Sunday, January 27, 2013

Optimism, are you back?

Until this past week my optimism has been hiding. I honestly pride myself on being optimistic but over the past month I've been really down. I was really hoping my hiatus from posting would mean I could wait even longer and then reveal that we are pregnant, but no. That just isn't happening yet. I am okay with what is coming next.

Before I go forward let me look back and fill you in on the past month. I took my second (of 3) round of Clomid the beginning of January. I went in on CD12 (the twelfth day after I started my period and three days after finishing Clomid) for another round of Follicle Ultrasound Scans. This scan revealed three possible mature follicles. She said she really only thought that one of them actually had an egg in it b/c the other two were pretty abnormally shaped, but they could potentially. So with the possibility of three my doctor wasn't able to give me the trigger shot (which would force me to ovulate). I was a little bummed just because in my head I thought that is what would happen.

This caused me to ask the question about what is really going on with my body? I ask her 1. I am either not producing eggs on my own or 2. I am not ovulating on my own. She said or 3. I could be producing eggs and ovulating but my eggs are "bad." The third scenario my doctor has no way testing for.

Thinking of that it made me interested and excited to see if I would ovulate on my own. To test if I ovulated they do a blood test to test my progesterone on my 21 or 22 cycle days. After your period your progesterone is very low. Mine is usually at a 0.089. It stays low until you ovulate and then it jumps up to above a 10. This cycle I was at a 17 which is great! That shows that I ovulated on my own. If you become pregnant your progesterone will stay above a 10 and if you are not it will drop back down when you start your period. Even though I ovulated I tried not to get my hopes up b/c I know I ovulated the last month b/c I had the trigger shot which forced ovulation and I didn't get pregnant.

It's just hard. In December I had symptoms leading up to starting my period I don't usually have. The only time I'd had them actually was when I was pregnant. I ask my doctor if the Clomid could cause that and she said no. I ask if I could have potentially been pregnant and lost the baby and she said no. I thought maybe it was a fluke. This month was no different. I had sore boobs again and I was extremely exhausted the days leading up to starting my period, but then I started. I was really emotional. Even though you try so hard not to get your hopes up or read into the symptoms, you do. It's hard not to.

Even reading this it puts me back where I was, in a pretty bad state of mind. For the first time in this journey I had the thought I might not EVER have a child of my own. It was just weighing really heavy on me. I really didn't see my optimism coming back to me anytime soon. But lately I've been feeling positive again. Maybe it's b/c we are close to getting some answers. How you ask?

Here's what's next.
1. Clomid Round Three
2. HSG Test
3. Follicle Ultrasound Scans (with possible trigger shot)
4. Head to Kansas City

At my last meeting with my doctor told me I needed to start looking into what we do next.
She will only let me use Clomid three times and I took it this past week. She strongly feels like if the Clomid was going to work it would work within three months. After that we really need to look into things and figure out what the problem is instead of just throwing Clomid at it and hoping that it works. I've sent my paperwork to the Reproductive Research Center in Overland Park Kansas. I am hoping to get an appointment with Dr. Ryan Riggs a Reproductive Endocrinologist within the next month. Dealing with infertility is what he does all day every day. He will assess everything we've gone through and figure out what the actual problem is. Obviously I hope he says nothing and we just need to give it some time, which is a possibility. But I just can't go on not knowing and waste more time. When I called last week they told me if I do get pregnant before then then I can cancel with no problems, so why not get on the books.

My doctor said the first thing the RRC would do would be a HSG Test so we went ahead and did it here in town. I honestly think she should have done t before now, but I thought maybe I didn't need it since I'd gotten pregnant before. A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. Basically they put dye through my cervix and watched on an x-ray machine the dye fill my uterus. The first thing they looked at was to make sure there were no leaks. Then they had me tilt to one side and then the other to make sure the dye flowed through my fallopian tubes up to my ovaries. Everything looked great. Free flowing and no blockages. This is great news, but I was a little disappointed. Doesn't that sound crazy? I was just thinking if there had been an issue then at least I would know what the problem is. You know?! I told my doctor and she said she understood. She also said that if I am going to have a problem this is not the one I want to have. So after hearing that I was glad everything was a-okay.

That was Thursday. This Wednesday I go in for the third round of Follicle Ultrasound Scans. Then we wait. Hopefully in the mean time I will get an appointment in Kansas City.

So, that's where we are. I'm feeling more positive now, so I just pray I can keep that up and not get too down if I do have to take the next step.

1 comment:

  1. I think everything your feeling makes perfect sense and I think I would be exactly the same way...you want answers and all this "unknown" just doesn't make sense. You are always so positive and upbeat and getting down every once in a while is only normal. We love you guys and you know if you need anything we are right here for you. I'll continue to pray!xoxo

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