Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A look back

"Distracted" was the original title to this blog. I wrote it back in April and never posted it. I find it interesting to share now b/c so many things have happened since then. I was so unsure and indecisive and after the last few weeks I am ready to move forward. I will fill you in soon on the happenings over the last few weeks, but things have been a bit frustrating and overwhelming for me. I want to go back to the time I referenced below where I stated that "I'm not upset." Because I have reached a point in this journey where I am. I am upset. I am sad. I am frustrated. And honestly I am feeling a bit hopeless.

So back to being "Distracted" in April of 2012....

That's been me lately. There has just been a lot on my mind. See, Tim and I started our journey to parenthood nine months ago. Well we are going into our ninth month. But we are in a waiting zone right now.

Not pregnant.

Haven't started my period.

That's the key. You have to start for the cycle to begin again. If nothing has happened by Wednesday (and I doubt it will) the will put me on Provera for one week to kick-start things. I'm okay with that, even though I have been "regular" all eight months leading up to this, I am okay.

What I am not okay with yet are the words You need fertility drugs.

(Am I really about to share this with the world? Yes, I guess I am.)

Those are words that we heard about a week ago. We are still trying to wrap our brains around that fact. Is it too soon? They normally wait you wait a year, why does my doctor feel it's the right time to start now? Just because they say we can, do we want too?

That is a decision we have yet to reach. We just aren't sure.

How did we arrive here? I'm a planner so almost from the very beginning of this journey I have been using the Pink Pad app to track everything related to baby making. We just took it easy the first few months but we decided to really give it a go in October. I started using Clear Blue Digital Ovulation Tests to pinpoint when I was ovulating so moving forward we could hopefully be successful!

Quick (semi-personal) rundown. October, no ovulation. November, ovulated, yay! Later than the average via googling online. December, ovulated! Early then November so it kind of snuck up on us. January, no ovulation. February I started using progesterone cream and I ovulated the next day. Super super early in the month. Definitely snuck up on us. March I went to the doctor. I didn't have to be a crazy person and make an appointment, it was just my yearly check-up. I was glad to be able to throw all of that info at my doctor and see what she had to say.

She said it would be very abnormal for me to A. Not ovulate every month if I am having a monthly period B. Ovulate at such different times during my cycle. She said we should do a Cycle Day 22 Progesterone Test. On my 22nd cycle day (22 days after I start my period) they would test the levels of progesterone in my blood to see if they are elevated; if they are, I ovulated. That was about 9 days after my appointment so we continued on like normal (I did continue the ovulation tests too which said I never ovulated). Finally 10 days later I got a call from my nurse. She said it doesn't appear that I am ovulating. My progesterone levels were "very low" she said. She then went on to say that my doctor recommends that I start taking Clomid this next cycle. What? This next cycle? I am glad they are being proactive and have a solution for me but going from not knowing I needed a solution to jumping into fertility drugs it was an interesting phone call. I couldn't really even think of all of the questions that I needed to ask at the time. We ended up talking on the phone two more times last week.

So here we are.

I'm actually not upset, is that weird? I don't feel pressure or stress. I really don't think this will stop us from having a baby, but we do have to make a decision. Sometimes when I think of it it doesn't seem like a big deal. Just a little boost to our normal monthly routine. On the other hand I start to think about how that will affect us going forward. I can take this three months, then what? I have to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist in Kansas City. Then what? What else is there? Are we then a year down the road and deep into this journey and feeling like we jumped in too soon? Maybe we didn't give it enough time naturally? Normally I am very decisive so that is the hardest part. Not really being able to make a decision. It just doesn't seem black and white to me. Give me what the outcome will be and I could make an informed decision. This, this just seems odd. It doesn't feel like it is happening. Doesn't seem like I need to worry about it. But obviously I do. Hopefully if this does end up being a long journey I can keep up the positive attitude.

Thanks for the support and say a few prayers that we will come to a decision on all of this.


  1. There isn't much I can say to make you feel better, I know.. but do know I do say lots of prayers everyday for you guys. Seeing your journey to become parents makes other realize how blessed they are. You are an inspiration and a "real" story of how being a parent should never be taken for granted. Thanks for sharing, I am sure there are people seeing your blog and saying "Wow, there is someone else who I can relate to". And you give them hope.
    Love you guys and I KNOW you will be parents and awesome ones at that. God has a plan :)

  2. Kari is RIGHT ON! I couldn't have said it better myself!
    Love you guys!!!


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