This Father's Day brings a bit of twisted emotion for me. See, Tim was going to be a dad, for a short time. I feel guilty, not that I lost the baby (which I do a little), but that I got to happily and delightfully celebrate Mother's Day. I was a mom. Baby in the belly and all. But since then our lives have been a bit turned upside down. 20 short days after hearing the words "you are pregnant!" and 17 days after hearing our baby's heart beat we found out the worst news anyone could think of. "This is not going to be a good pregnancy." I was 8 weeks and 2 days at this point and the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. A miscarriage. We had lost our baby. The baby we had been trying to conceive for nine months. The baby that was due on January 1, 2013. The New Year's Baby! As Tim, his mom and my brother all declared. The baby that I was excited to decorate a nursery for. The baby that was going to be ours. Our. Baby. I don't know what it is about that sixth week but it must be pretty important because more than one person I know lost their baby on their sixth week as well. So today, when we should be getting to celebrate the fact that we were going to be parents (to more than just our fur babies, b/c believe me, they still count) we aren't, yet. And I know we will be someday. We will get to paint a nursery someday and have showers and I'll get to feel those sweet little kicks inside of me, the fact of the matter is that I am not going to get to do those things right now. Not with this baby, but thankfully we are still celebrating. Celebrating that we have awesome, handy, loving, kind dads in our lives. Great role models and even better friends. I am thankful that Tim is a strong man and kept me going over the past month, never pushing too hard or expecting too much. Thankful he's already so great with kids and is going to be a kick ass dad someday. I am thankful for my brother and my cool nephew Aidan. Can you believe he is almost 8?! I know I can't. And to Casey too. Because even though it was a rough time in our lives I was so incredibly happy when Easton Hall Roberts made his entrance into this world. And who could forget about Rylan, she brings such a smile to my face, especially when she warms up to me and wants to play with Aunt Mae Mae.
Thankful that my family and Tim's family are the best of friends and the dads and sons are on their fourth annual Gregory-Johnson Father's Day Golf Fiasco enjoying their day with all sorts of craziness as I type. Thankful the doctor said it isn't anything, anyone did wrong. Chromosomally it is wasn't a good match and that we can try again soon. Thankful we will get there someday, and hopeful that someday isn't nine more months of trying away!
I wasn't really sure how I felt about blogging about such a personal issue, but hey this is my blog and I will blog if I want too :) I figure if you are reading along then you care about me and Tim and what we have going on in our lives. So there it is. Now go hug your dad, or husband, or kid, or dog and enjoy your day too!
**Side note, I still don't really want any of this out on Facebook, so if you want to comment or get a hold of me please do on this blog or email me (firstname.lastname@example.org). Thanks friends.